Conventional wisdom, stories in the media and public impression is of the opinion that you only love someone once in your life time. That a single person is made for you and you must meet that person alone to experience true love. A number of people wait around a long time to find that one special someone who has been touted as the other half of their soul pair. Some are lucky enough to find their soul mate and enjoy a loving relationship with them…till it all goes wrong.
Your true love is dead
It may be an illness that took away your true love and you may be happy that they are no longer suffering. Or it may have been a sudden accident that snatched your love away from you and you are still reeling with the shock of it all. No matter how traumatic the loss of the love of your life, eventually you will realize that while your soul mate is dead, you are still alive. That you need to go on living and, would it be acceptable, loving. Is it possible to get a second chance at romance and will it really work? That’s what we try to explore here.
Work through the grief
There is a natural grieving process involved in the loss of a loved one and you cannot rush through it. You will go through a phase where you may believe that you will never meet anyone like your lost love again, that you will stay single for the rest of your life. This is natural at that point of time, eventually you will move on. Do not feel guilty for being alive and living. Remember that even your loved one would want you to be happy not sad. After a while time will heal the suffering of your heart. It does not mean that you love the person you lost less; it just means that you have to move ahead with your own life.
Put yourself out there
When you feel that you are ready, move back into dating. It may seem strange initially and cause anxiety. You may even feel it is not worth all the angst you put yourself through. Agreed that it may not be a piece of cake the second time round, but if you know what you are looking for, it is easy to weed out the potentials from the ‘no-ways’. Yes you are putting yourself out there and you will feel somewhat exposed and vulnerable. It may seem like you are a teenager again, but that’s not true and you have a world of experience to help you now.
Don’t look for substitutes or imitations
The one mistake you must never make is to compare the person who you are going out with now, to the one who was previously in your life. Do not look for the same person as you are destined to be disappointed. Perhaps you are unconsciously looking for a certain type of person who may be a substitute for the one you lost. Unfortunately such an imitation will never live up to the image of the real deal in your heart and you may doom this relationship even before you start. Be open to accepting new people in your life and close the door on your past.
Be willing to take a chance
Initially you may be happy to be in a sort of/ maybe relationship, but for romance to truly have a second chance you need to be willing to define the relationship in more concrete terms. A good way to do this is to sit down after you have had a few dates and ask the person if there is a potential future here. If the two of you are still interested in taking things ahead ensure that you do not rush into a relationship because you fear to be alone for the rest of your life. Be willing to take a chance at happiness with another person, but do it for the right reason.
Moving in with your new partner
Please ensure that you do not share the same house or apartment with the new partner. Whether you mean to make them or not, there will be subconscious comparisons to your dead partner. This is not fair to your present partner and will adversely affect the development of your new relationship. Make a fresh start in a new house with your new partner. It will be easier going all around if you do so. Just don’t move in with someone because your lease is up and it makes more sense to cohabit economically. This may give you a short term economical gain but if you move in with the wrong person, it could give you a long term emotional loss.
Discuss expectations and deal breakers alike
Each person brings a certain number of expectations to any relationship. These may be even more finely defined in a romantic relationship. Get to know your partner’s expectations as they may not be the same as yours. There are also some deal breakers, or things that a person will just not stand for in a relationship. These too must be discussed in advance so as not to cause problems at a later date. The key here is communication, as the more you talk with each other and discuss things the better you get to know the other person. This helps you decide once and for all if you would like to really share the rest of your life with them.
Feature Writer : Cashmere Lashkari