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A marriage is a melding of two lives, two minds, two bodies and two souls. It can be the most rewarding of mergers or the most frustrating of happenings. Which one will it be for you? That depends on your attitude. Are you about to take the leap into marital bliss? If you expect the same romantic gestures, gifts and attention that you received before marriage from your partner to continue once you are a married couple, you are doomed to disappointment. There is no way that the thrill of the courtship period can continue once you are married. I speak from experience here, so take a look at what you can expect. 

You know I love you because I get you gifts

During your courtship phase the man usually pursues the woman with flowers, chocolates, romantic gifts, surprise outings and a whole lot more. Of course the gender roles are not fixed and the woman may also do similar romantic things for the man during the courtship. This is a period where the couple is getting to know each other. They are also trying to show their compatibility to the prospective partner. It’s like an advertisement saying, “look how good your life can be if I were a permanent part of it”. Unfortunately it is not what the future will hold. As is true with almost all advertisements, the courtship period sees the couple embellish the truth and they may not always deliver all that they promise.

The road is long so let’s move on

The very nature and purpose of your relationship will change the day you get married. Now you are no longer looking forward to impress your partner with thoughtful deeds. You are no longer bringing them flowers and gifts to woo them. Instead you are looking to build a life together. It is now time to work towards building a home by doing more mundane things like cooking meals and managing household chores like buying groceries and taking out the trash. This settling down process can be even more stressful if both partners are working in full time jobs. It barely leaves the couple any time at all for romantic activities and gestures. It’s not that they don’t want to go out on a dinner date or watch a newly released movie. It’s just that there is no time to do so.

Are the good times all gone?

No, they are just beginning. The definition of a good time may have changed somewhat along the way but the journey of life, with your chosen partner besides you, is an adventure that you do not want to miss out on. Things are not going to be rosy all the time, and sometimes you may feel that all you seem to do since you got married is fight. These feelings are part and parcel of the settling down period, which may last from a few months to a couple of years. The time frame depending on the amount of adjusting that each partner is willing to do to cater to the spouse’s needs. Compromise is the name of the game here.

Trust in me

Once you have fallen into a fairly consistent routine, you will realize that a good marriage is based on being able to trust in the fact that your spouse will always base their actions for the greater good of the full family. You can share everything with your spouse without any hesitation and count on their support when you chose to take a particularly difficult decision. You know that there are some things that your spouse hates doing, but will still trust them to do these things because they know that it matters to you. Visiting your relatives for a meal on a weekend when they would rather be lazing at home is one such example.

Stand By Me

Your spouse is your other half and your relationship is as intimate as it can get. There is literally nothing hidden from your spouse in a good marriage. In a relationship where there are no secrets, it is important to have trust, but it is also important to have tolerance. Since there are two distinctly different people in the relationship there is a good likelihood of the two having different opinions on some issues. It may be something quite as trivial as picking up clothes after changing and placing them in the laundry bag, rather than scattering them on different pieces of furniture all over the bedroom. It may seem like a very small thing, but it is the tiny non- issues that can make you fight every day, stealing your peace of mind.

Tolerance is the key

Communicate with your spouse.  Listen to the reason why your partner insists on acting in a certain manner. When you understand the underlying concern that initiates a certain behavior in your partner, you will be able to better accept the partner’s behavior. By accepting the behavior you show your tolerance for something that is not acceptable to you. However you have supported your partner’s need for the behavior having understood their motive behind it. A trivial example can be the partner’s need to dust all shelves in the house every weekend because of a need to eliminate disease causing pathogens. You would rather relax at home on the day of your holiday, but instead end up shifting furniture and helping your partner clean the house. It shows that you tolerate their need for a clean home and trust their decision to keep the house dust and pathogen free is a good one.

Feature Writer: Cashmere Lashkari