What to do when the happily ever after does not last – Dealing with a Divorce

DrJohnBullas CC- BY via Flickr.

DrJohnBullas CC- BY via Flickr.

You had it all. A dream romance. A lavish wedding. A romantic honeymoon. A prolific career. A luxurious home. And then it all fell apart bringing with it the sadness and the guilt. The all consuming guilt which says you did not do enough to make your marriage work.  Divorce is not a tragedy, but staying in an unhappy marriage is. Living alone is not a tragedy, but your children absorbing fights with your spouse is. Marilyn Monroe once said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Having been divorced twice she obviously knew what she was talking about.

No normal person gets married with the hope of getting divorced a couple of years down the line. However it is undeniable truth that statistically speaking we have more divorces taking place today than ever before in the past. It is difficult to analyze all the reasons why this trend is on the rise and that is a debate waiting to happen. The scope of that debate is not what we are looking at here. Here we focus on how one can deal with the devastating aftereffects of undergoing a divorce and how you should face the future. You will need to deal with the fall out of divorce on three levels – Emotional, Social and Financial

Emotional Rollercoaster

Trust in the fact that you did everything possible to keep your marriage together, but it was not to be.  While some people say that staying in a marriage needs more strength than walking out on one, remember that you did not take this step lightly. You know that living like that was no longer an option for you. Letting go was an act that required great strength and you had that much power in you. Jettison the unjustified guilt that you feel about your divorce. Going through a divorce is similar to hearing that a near and dear one has died. It is not easy to forget the time that you have spent building a marriage together.  You would have poured your heart and soul into the marriage in its early days before things began to fall apart.

There will be days when you feel that you took the wrong step. That you should have just suffered in silence and let things be the way they were. Letting go of old feelings and emotions is important to your moving forward in life. There is an emotional roller coaster ride as stress takes its toll on the person undergoing a divorce. No two marriages are alike and no one else can feel exactly how you felt in your marriage. No one else has the right to judge you but yourself.  Once and for all lose that guilt so that you may have inner peace.

Social Adjustments

A place to stay is your main concern after the divorce specially if you have children and want to retain custody. If you have a roof over your head, a major problem is solved. In case you do not have a place to stay work out your options. Can your parents support you for a while? Ask them for their help. They may like you to move back in with them. Or they may have a place where you can put up till you get back on your feet. Ask your family for help in your time of need. They love you and will want to help you get back on your feet.

There are times when the parents do not support the divorce and may not offer help afterwards. Don’t take it to heart. They will come around when they realize that it was the right step for you to take. If your parents are not the answer, look at renting a place of your own that you can afford.  Approach your friend circle for help. People are generally looking to help out in such situations. It is only your own hesitation that you have to overcome. You will discover your true friends when you are down and out like this. You will value them all your life. It is these friendships that will give you the foundation of your future happiness.

Financial Security

Your financial independence is the key to starting your new life. This means that you need to have money coming in from some source. Having a job or business is ideal, but not everyone woman who gets divorced may have been working before the marriage ended. What happened yesterday no longer matters, what matters is how you treat today. Letting the past hold you captive, is only hurting you. Let it go and embrace the abundant world waiting for you in the future. In case you have no job, start looking for what you can handle and apply for one.

Understand that by thinking constantly about what may have been in the past you are losing your present and affecting your future. You will lose a small unhappy part of yourself from the past, but you will find your present self. If you grieve for what you have lost and have tears in your eyes, how will you see the new opportunities to grab happiness passing you by? It doesn’t matter what you had hoped for from your marriage, realize now that it is over and concentrate now on starting afresh. You have to heal your heart and build a beautiful future for yourself.

Feature Writer: Cashmere Lashkari

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