From a very young age we are taught to be good, not naughty. To follow the rules set out for us, as that brings us praise and appreciation. Even as we grow older, while there is no one standing over our head pointing out our mistakes, we still continue to follow the dictates of society. Being ruled by our need for social approval is quite common, but in some cases, it can prove truly catastrophic. Consider a situation where the woman is sticking on to an abusive partner, simply because she fears society’s disapproval.

Often, we come across horrifying articles of educated women, who even used to have jobs, giving up complete control of their lives to abusive husbands, eventually costing them their lives. Sadly no one is present inside a marital home except for the couple. This means that the truth of what is happening in an abusive relationship often goes unannounced and unchecked till it is too late. Which is why it is important to speak up about this issue. It is important to bring into the spotlight the women who have survived.

Hearing about their stories is a good way to prepare an abuse victim to take the step to seek help. There are so many NGOs and organizations available today, who help women in domestically violent situations. A quick look at a search engine online will bring so many different options. Yet the one thing that is usually holding the victim back in such situations is themselves. Their own fears, perpetuated by threats from the abuser, hold them back. Their own insecurities, helped buy the social isolation imposed by the abuser, makes them wonder who cares enough to help them.

Helping Yourself

The victim is already aware of the problem. What seems unclear is the solution. There seems to be no easy resolution of the issue. You feel that leaving now will only make the situation worse because the abuser will become more relentless in your pursuit. Hell bent on making you pay for what they will term as a betrayal of the relationship. These thoughts born of the conditioning of an abusive relationship are to be taken seriously.

As the victim you need to understand that the abuser has already betrayed your relationship by starting the abuse pattern. That you are in no way to blame for what the abuser has begun and perpetuated. You need to have a safe place to escape too when things get bad. Planning this out so that you can get out of the thumb of your abuser physically in a safe manner is important.

Another point to remember is that abuse is not always physical. The emotional and mental torture that some abusers put a victim through can’t be seen outside but leave huge scars inside. It doesn’t matter what the nature of the abuse is, what’s important to remember is that no one deserves to live their lives in fear or shame.

Building Back Your Life

Look for the help that you can find among your own friends and family circle. Ensure that you reach out to them and make them aware of what you are facing in your abusive marriage. This is not something to feel shame about or to hesitate. Remember, you are the victim and are not to blame for the behaviour of the abuser.

Create a record of what you have undergone. Photos of injuries, recordings of conversations, everything should be documented. Contact a trusted lawyer. If you don’t know one, contact an organization who can help you find one. Only once you sever the bonds of the past can you move into a future where your abuser holds no power over you. Getting a divorce is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Finding a support group is crucial at this stage as you will go through tremendous upheaval emotionally. While family and friends may try to help, they will not understand what you are going through completely. However, a support group consisting of other women who have survived what you are undergoing, is a wonderful place to find understanding, comfort and confidence.

Moving On

Be prepared to move on, even as the legal proceedings continue to play out in court. Do not hold your life hostage to each hearing. Instead, ensure that you spend this period of separation in preparation for what you would like to do once your life is back under your control. While you may want to sit quietly and lick your wounds, that is something you must push past and return to the land of active living.

Begin with building up your skills, so that you can be financially independent. If you haven’t worked for a while, start a part time job. Make new friends who have had nothing to do with your past life. You will get a chance to reinvent yourself and your personality in these relationships. Take small steps but continue to move forward. Leaving the divorced abuser in your dust as you create a healthy and happy life ahead for yourself.